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You too can Write Beautifully about the Mountain West

There is no true American who hasn’t seen the staggering beauty of North America’s Rocky Mountain West. Maybe it was a high mountain meadow in a photograph found above the month of June, or maybe in the opening shots of Quentin Tarantino’s The Hateful Eight. Maybe you’ve even seen it for yourself, but that would most likely disqualify you from writing aptly about America’s greatest treasure, as it is widely know that even from a distance, the natural beauty of Denver’s Front Range can cause significant damage to the memory and perception centers of the brain. It is best if you stick to the details that you have gleaned from varied and reputable sources. A postcard featuring the Tetons--maybe from an aunt--is a prime example of the view one is guaranteed to see from any humble motel room, from Tucson to somewhere in the general vicinity of Montana. Based on stories from your great-uncle’s fishing trip, only the largest fish can be caught in the highest mountain streams (despite what nature says), up where the water runs clear enough to leave you with cleaner insides than before you arrived. At least, that’s according to the man he met at a bar on the fishing trip; Minnesota isn’t technically “West.” Any population census is mostly futile anywhere north of Denver or higher than 5,500 feet in elevation. If a person hasn’t been photographed atop a horse, against a fence post, behind a bar, inside a truck, amid a river in waders, beneath a mounted elk, or knelt at the side of an injured head of cattle out on the prairie, then they are either a tourist or a pretender--or both. Don’t bother including them in any narrative or description which seeks utmost accuracy in portraying the true, untouched beauty of the Great American West. And of course, don’t miss out on any chances to overcapitalize, in your writing or otherwise.